A Low-cost Divorce Horror Story

The outdated saying “You get what you pay for” typically applies to low-cost divorce
alternate options. Whereas most individuals assume they will keep away from excessive authorized charges and save
time through the use of a paralegal or different service to finish their divorce, they typically
face surprising issues alongside the way in which. The story under illustrates why
typically it is higher to rent knowledgeable within the first place.

SLEAZY LEGAL

By Rocky Lang

Did you ever think about getting a divorce was tougher than the wedding that bought you there? Nicely, it occurred to me. 

After a decade of darkness with the spouse of the brand new millennium, the 2 of us agreed that our lives had been price saving and with a view to live on we would have liked to get away from one another. Agreeing that it made no sense to pay costly attorneys, we settled our personal affairs and determined to take a budget approach out…a paralegal service that will file the divorce papers for a charge and we might be completed. 

Slam dunk child! My marriage wasn’t going into extra time… I used to be ending the sport. Swish!

Being the good refined author that I’m, I spied a paralegal service on the boulevard as I listened to an oldies station on the radio. It was going to be simple, quick, and low-cost. As if the heavens opened up, the sunshine proven down on this little storefront that I’ll endlessly name… Sleazy Authorized. God was taking me to the Promised Land; the avenue from hell resulting in heaven and Sleazy Authorized was just like the gates of St. Peter opening up for me. Improbable! I used to be prepared to start out my life over and these folks had been going to make my divorce simple. Sleazy Authorized. Yeah!

I bear in mind my father telling me as he sat watching three TV’s on the similar time. “Ya get what ya pay for…do not buy low-cost booze, do not date low-cost girls, do not buy low-cost condoms and do not low-cost out.”

Ah ha! Now in my fifties, however nonetheless in my adolescent rebellious section, I made a decision to do it my approach, and never take my father’s recommendation. I used to be going get this divorce over quick and low-cost. I had visions of going as much as the membership and seeing my buddies who had been all in messy costly divorces and telling them, “My divorce value just a few hundred {dollars}, and it was finished within the blink of a watch. HA HA to you.”

Sitting on the desk at Sleazy Authorized was a fairly lady in her mid forties who advised me how easy this was going to be. Signal the papers, pay us, pay a submitting charge to the court docket and voilà. My now ex-wife, as keen as I used to be to place the hellish escapades of marital futility behind us willingly signed the papers and I paid the charges and the 2 of us waited and waited. Godot was coming quicker than this divorce.

As I inquired once in a while as to what was taking so lengthy, the nice lady on the desk advised me about her personal divorce, the issues she had with males, her varied escapades and her hopes for the longer term. I could not assist considering that she was considering I used to be the person of her future. Dream on wing-nut, I used to be nonetheless licking my wounds, with a 1,000 yard stare in my eyes, battle weary and overwhelmed down. Girls weren’t in my future.

My daughter requested me why I wasn’t courting and advised me though I used to be outdated I used to be nonetheless good trying sufficient to search out somebody. I requested her this query. “Nikki, in the event you went searching for bananas would you purchase a yellow banana or a brown banana?’ She checked out me and requested, “Do you assume I am silly? I might purchase a yellow banana.” I mentioned, “Precisely, as a result of after I go to the connection retailer I all the time get the brown bananas. I am not going to the connection retailer anymore.”

As time dripped on, I continued to have periodic conversations with the in search of love, middle-aged lady together with her personal issues at Sleazy Authorized. The conversations went like this:

Me: Any information? 
Her: No. 
Me: When will we all know one thing? 
Her: I do not know. 
Me: Okay, goodbye. 
Her: Okay, goodbye.

Then out of the blue she disappeared and the Proprietor took over. The Proprietor was a hell of actress, the perfect. As a director I’ve labored with among the biggest together with Jessica Lange, Teri Garr, Sally Kellerman and this gal topped all of them. She made me assume she knew what she was doing. She would deal with my case personally. WOW! The proprietor of Sleazy Authorized was going to lastly make this simple. YIPPIE!!! She was going to resolve this.

What would comply with was a sequence of cover-ups and lies that will dwarf these executed by such American icons as Dick Nixon. This may flip right into a actuality sequence. I won’t get my divorce, however man these had been some weirdos and as a author I attempted to persuade myself that this was nice materials. Nonetheless, I needed my F***ING DIVORCE!

Anyway, Sleazy Authorized had misfiled the papers. Sleazy Authorized had lied to me. Sleazy Authorized had forgotten to ship the submitting charge to the court docket. Sleazy Authorized was giving me the dance of dances, the Cha Cha Cha, the Tango and the Hustle multi functional transfer.

Sleazy Authorized had screwed the pooch and I used to be the pooch. Ouch! Nonetheless, a fantastic character was rising within the proprietor of Sleazy Authorized. She was the kind of individual that I might use again and again in screenplays and telefilms. She broke the mould. I used to be blissful, as it’s exhausting to create characters like this. No, I wasn’t blissful! I WANTED MY F***ING DIVORCE!

One night time after I was significantly exasperated, I despatched an electronic mail to the proprietor of Sleazy Authorized stating my displeasure and wanting a decision. What got here again was an electronic mail that was so riddled with spelling and grammatical errors that Miss Benefit my seventh grade English trainer would have dropped useless. And so, I simply could not assist myself and determined to appropriate her electronic mail in pink, highlighting her spelling and grammatical errors. I despatched again the corrected model together with these questions: 

After this change, the proprietor of Sleazy Authorized returned all my paper work after the court docket despatched it again for the second time due to errors by Sleazy Authorized.

Feeling sorry for myself after ready over a 12 months for an inexpensive divorce, I employed a excessive priced household lawyer who seemed on the paperwork and noticed the errors, mounted it, filed it and voilà, our divorce was remaining six months later. Almost two years to get this finished.

As I sat staring on the divorce papers, I believed again to my father. When he advised me to not date low-cost girls, drink low-cost booze, and many others., I want he had admonished me by no means to rent low-cost authorized. You do get what you pay for.

Oh, and by the way in which. I went again to the connection retailer and located an ideal yellow banana.

Rocky Lang, is the creator of eight books together with “If You Thought Your Divorce Was Dangerous…Wait Till You Learn This Ebook!“, “Rising Up Hollywood – Tales From the Son of a Hollywood Mogul” and “Confessions of Emergency Room Physicians.” He’s additionally a producer of main movement photos and Telefilms. He lives in Los Angeles. Twitter @rockylang or rockylang.com

And in the event you’re drawn by the flashy indicators and adverts promising a hassle-free low-cost divorce, please proceed with warning. I do know you do not have cash to throw away, however do not skimp on one thing that has the potential to have an effect on the remainder of your life. Generally it truly is finest to rent a lawyer to get the job finished proper the primary time.

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